Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 26th May 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Benny Goodman. Does this matter? Only time will tell. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Herman Cain and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Alfred Hitchcock, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
The number 15 will be a powerful omen for you this Sunday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Saturday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th
Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Sunday this week. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
In a parallel universe you were born as Michelle Bachman. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Tuesday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. On Tuesday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Sometimes it is good to try something new. Monday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.

Monday, May 19, 2014

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 19th May 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Should you wear pink on Monday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. You will bump into a Mussel on Wednesday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Monday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.

The Slug July 26th
You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color orange. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Saturday. Get the guys or girls around your place on Monday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Monday, May 12, 2014

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th May 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Saturday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Saturday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Monday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Oprah Winfrey, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. On Tuesday, the color blue, the number 0 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th
Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 65 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Ross Perot driving a green car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Wednesday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.

Monday, May 5, 2014

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 5th May 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Tuesday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Monday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th
Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Tuesday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Sunday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Saturday. It will impress a secret admirer. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.