Sunday, November 17, 2019

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 18th November 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.

The Slug July 26th
There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 64, the color green and someone who has a connection to Darth Vader will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Sunday, November 10, 2019

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 11th November 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Thursday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you see anybody this week who looks like Carl Sagan, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Friday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th
This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Friday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Don't leave your house on Sunday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Mahatma Gandhi. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.

Wednesday, November 6, 2019

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 4th November 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Shirley MacLaine driving a orange car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Get out and enjoy life on Saturday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Monday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th
You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you?

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. The color green will be very important to you this week. Especially on Tuesday, and when connected to the number 39, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Abraham Lincoln then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. If you see anybody this week who looks like Margaret Thatcher, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Try relaxing on Friday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.

Monday, October 28, 2019

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 28th October 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. The number 31 will have special significance on Sunday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. On Sunday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. If you wear too much make-up on Friday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th
Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. On Wednesday, the number 44 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Sunday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. On Friday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.

Sunday, October 20, 2019

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 21st October 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Wednesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A man connected with the number 76 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Wednesday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Avoid the number 35 if possible on Sunday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th
A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Look yourself in the mirror on Thursday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Sunday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Monday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Wednesday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

Sunday, October 13, 2019

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 14th October 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Hold a dinner party on Tuesday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color red. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Tuesday. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Thursday who looks at all like Meryl Streep, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 88 feet, but no more than a mile. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Wednesday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th
Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Friday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Sometimes it is good to try something new. Thursday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Louis Pasteur, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Sunday, October 6, 2019

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 7th October 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Monday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Thursday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
The number 80 will be a powerful omen for you this Wednesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. On Thursday, the color green, the number 21 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th
Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails? Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Weird Al Yankovick a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.

Sunday, September 29, 2019

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 30th September 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Wednesday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Thursday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Wednesday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug July 26th
Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Wednesday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 44 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Something involving the color orange will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Liberace a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.

Sunday, September 22, 2019

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 23rd September 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
On Wednesday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. If you make an appointment on Friday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Ben Franklin and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Wednesday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Michelle Bachman and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. The number 61 will be a powerful omen for you this Saturday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Friday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th
If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Don't leave your house on Monday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. On Thursday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Wednesday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.

Sunday, September 15, 2019

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 16th September 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Lucille Ball and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Avoid the number 92 if possible on Thursday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. On Friday night you will dream of being Mother Teresa. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug July 26th
You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 66. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Wednesday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
In a parallel universe you were born as Paul McCartney. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. If you make an appointment on Wednesday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
On Thursday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. If you wear too much make-up on Saturday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Saturday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.

Sunday, September 8, 2019

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 9th September 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Monday this week. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. On Thursday, the color pink, the number 36 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th
There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. You will go to an auction on Saturday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Sigourney Weaver in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. If you make an appointment on Monday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Monday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Something about the number 6 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Friday will keep your mind occupied. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.

Sunday, September 1, 2019

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 2nd September 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Tuesday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Avoid the number 79 if possible on Wednesday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". You will bump into a Mussel on Friday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. A man connected with the number 77 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Hook up with an Octopus on Tuesday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color blue. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Saturday. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th
Hanging out with a Scallop on Wednesday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Charlie Brown. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Friday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. On Wednesday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Friday this week. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Saturday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

Monday, August 26, 2019

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 26th August 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Friday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. On Sunday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Tuesday who looks at all like Augustus Caesar, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Louis Pasteur in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Something involving the color pink will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Friday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug July 26th
You will go to an auction on Friday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. You have dandruff, do something about it!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? On Saturday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Avoid the number 67 if possible on Friday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color black. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Monday. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. When you and a Limpet get together on Tuesday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Wednesday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

Sunday, August 18, 2019

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 19th August 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Friday this week. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Thursday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Friday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th
Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. The number 25 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Michael Landon, Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Something involving the color pink will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Sunday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color blue. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Friday. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.

Monday, August 12, 2019

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th August 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Thursday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Tuesday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Wednesday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Saturday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Alexander Graham Bell, As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. On Sunday, the color purple, the number 43 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th
You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you see anybody this week who looks like Phil Donahue, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Look yourself in the mirror on Friday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A man connected with the number 54 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Why will the color blue be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Saturday. If you make an appointment on Saturday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

Sunday, August 4, 2019

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 5th August 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Should you wear green on Monday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. If you wear too much make-up on Thursday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! In a parallel universe you were born as Mark Twain. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Sunday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.


The Slug July 26th

This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 41. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not John Lennon, The number 47 will have special significance on Thursday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing orange. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Sunday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.