Sunday, March 28, 2010

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 29th March 2010

December 2nd - February 19th

You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

February 20th - March 9th

This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

March 10th - May 1st

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

May 2nd - June 2nd

You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. On Friday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Monday.

June 3rd - July 25th

Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Sunday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

July 26th

In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault.

July 27th - August 19th

This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like William Shakespeare. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

August 20th - October 1st

Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

October 1st - October 29th

There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

October 30th - December 1st

There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22nd February 2010

December 2nd - February 19th

Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Thursday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

February 20th - March 9th

Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Saturday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

March 10th - May 1st

Don't leave your house on Saturday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

May 2nd - June 2nd

A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Monday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.

June 3rd - July 25th

If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

July 26th

You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse.

July 27th - August 19th

If you wear too much make-up on Friday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

August 20th - October 1st

Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

October 1st - October 29th

Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

October 30th - December 1st

Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Try relaxing on Tuesday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th March 2010

December 2nd - February 19th

A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. On Monday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.

February 20th - March 9th

If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Tuesday.

March 10th - May 1st

Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

May 2nd - June 2nd

The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

June 3rd - July 25th

Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. On Tuesday, the color green, the number 67 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

July 26th

Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like.

July 27th - August 19th

There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Michelangelo will shower you with unusual gifts on Saturday. This will only happen though if you are wearing pink The number 96 will be a powerful omen for you this Friday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

August 20th - October 1st

A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Marilyn Monroe, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

October 1st - October 29th

They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

October 30th - December 1st

There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th March 2010

December 2nd - February 19th

Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

February 20th - March 9th

Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Thursday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

March 10th - May 1st

Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

May 2nd - June 2nd

Why will the color white be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Tuesday. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

June 3rd - July 25th

A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Sunday this week. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Oprah Winfrey. Does this matter? Only time will tell. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Thursday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

July 26th

Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you. Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor.

July 27th - August 19th

As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

August 20th - October 1st

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

October 1st - October 29th

Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

October 30th - December 1st

Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.