Sunday, September 20, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 21st September 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Friday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Friday.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Wednesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Friday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Friday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.


The Slug July 26th

Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 52. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. On Saturday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Friday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.


Monday, September 14, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 14th September 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Sunday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.


The Slug July 26th

Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. On Monday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Friday. It will impress a secret admirer. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Mr. Rogers, Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Charles Everett Koop, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Something involving the color yellow will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.


Sunday, September 6, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 7th September 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Wednesday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Monday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. If you make an appointment on Friday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Wednesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!


The Slug July 26th

Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Friday. It will impress a secret admirer. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 89 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Sometimes it is good to try something new. Friday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Saturday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Wednesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.


Sunday, August 30, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 1st September 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Tuesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 40, the color green and someone who has a connection to Tom Hanks will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.


The Slug July 26th

Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

On Saturday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 9. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.


Monday, August 24, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 25th August 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. You will bump into a Mussel on Thursday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.


The Slug July 26th

In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Wednesday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.


Sunday, August 16, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 17th August 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Tuesday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Something involving the color blue will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Edgar Allen Poe, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.


The Slug July 26th

You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. The number 50 will have special significance on Tuesday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Saturday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Monday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Friday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.


Sunday, August 9, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th August 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Tuesday.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Friday.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Thursday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.


The Slug July 26th

Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you see anybody this week who looks like Martin Luther King, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Saturday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.


Sunday, August 2, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 3rd August 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Saturday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Saturday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Saturday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Neil Armstrong, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th
You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Something about the number 98 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Tuesday will keep your mind occupied. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

Sunday, July 26, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 27th July 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Gandhi, Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Tuesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th
You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Look yourself in the mirror on Sunday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A man connected with the number 43 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The color red will be very important to you this week. Especially on Tuesday, and when connected to the number 28, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Wednesday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

Sunday, July 19, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 20th July 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.

The Slug July 26th
Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. The number 4 will be a powerful omen for you this Thursday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing red. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Don't leave your house on Thursday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.

Sunday, July 12, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 13th July 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you George Washington in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Saturday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. On Saturday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. If you wear too much make-up on Thursday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th
Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Monday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Wednesday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

Sunday, July 5, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 6th July 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Sean Connery will shower you with unusual gifts on Thursday. This will only happen though if you are wearing purple Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Sunday who looks at all like Pelé, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Monday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Sunday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th
In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. On Sunday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Monday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Henri Mancini at all.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. The color blue will be very important to you this week. Especially on Thursday, and when connected to the number 67, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

Sunday, June 28, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 29th June 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like William Shakespeare will shower you with unusual gifts on Tuesday. This will only happen though if you are wearing white Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. On Monday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Avoid the number 69 if possible on Saturday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. You will bump into a Mussel on Thursday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color yellow. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Wednesday. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Thursday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th
Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. Hanging out with a Scallop on Thursday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Sunday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 1. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Try relaxing on Tuesday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.

Sunday, June 21, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22nd June 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Michelangelo will shower you with unusual gifts on Monday. This will only happen though if you are wearing yellow If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Thursday who looks at all like Ronald Regan, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Why will the color pink be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Saturday. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th
You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 17. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Friday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Sunday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Tuesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Try relaxing on Wednesday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.

Sunday, June 14, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th June 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 20 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. On Tuesday, the color white, the number 66 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th
You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you?

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Sunday. It will impress a secret admirer. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like David Beckham then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Abraham Lincoln, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Monday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.

Sunday, June 7, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th June 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Wednesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th
You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A blue car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Wednesday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Elvis Presley. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Saturday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you wear too much make-up on Thursday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.

Sunday, May 31, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 1st June 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Wednesday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th
Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
On Wednesday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Look yourself in the mirror on Thursday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Friday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Rick Santorum will shower you with unusual gifts on Thursday. This will only happen though if you are wearing purple Saturday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Friday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.