Sunday, April 5, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 6th April 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Why will the color purple be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Wednesday. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Saturday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Tuesday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th
You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A man connected with the number 91 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Tuesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. The number 79 will have special significance on Monday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you wear too much make-up on Friday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.

Sunday, March 29, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 30th March 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Wednesday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Willey Mays in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Tuesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th
Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Gandhi will shower you with unusual gifts on Thursday. This will only happen though if you are wearing purple If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you see anybody this week who looks like Lewis Carrol, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.

Sunday, March 22, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 23rd March 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
If you see anybody this week who looks like Michael Landon, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Something about the number 3 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Monday will keep your mind occupied. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Saturday this week. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Jim Carrey driving a pink car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. If you make an appointment on Saturday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Why will the color red be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Wednesday. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug July 26th
Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Get the guys or girls around your place on Tuesday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Oprah Winfrey will shower you with unusual gifts on Thursday. This will only happen though if you are wearing purple Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Danny Glover, Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Shirley MacLaine. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.

Sunday, March 15, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 16th March 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Sunday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Rick Santorum. Does this matter? Only time will tell. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th
You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 94 feet, but no more than a mile. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 41 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.

Sunday, March 8, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 9th March 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 19, the color blue and someone who has a connection to Bill Gates will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Something about the number 54 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Tuesday will keep your mind occupied. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. On Tuesday, the color pink, the number 50 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th
Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. On Sunday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Monday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

Sunday, March 1, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 2nd March 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Thomas Edison and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Don't leave your house on Monday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Saturday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th
You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 63, the color orange and someone who has a connection to Marilyn Vos Savant will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Friday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.

Sunday, February 23, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 24th February 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Friday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you see anybody this week who looks like Frank Lloyd Wright, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th
Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Saturday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.

Sunday, February 16, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 17th February 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Don't leave your house on Friday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. If you make an appointment on Sunday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Thursday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Friday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Get out and enjoy life on Sunday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. On Wednesday, the color red, the number 60 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th
Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. A man connected with the number 2 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. When you and a Limpet get together on Monday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Monday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.

Sunday, February 9, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th February 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Tiger Woods will shower you with unusual gifts on Friday. This will only happen though if you are wearing green Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Wednesday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.

The Slug July 26th
Hanging out with a Scallop on Thursday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Wednesday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Hold a dinner party on Thursday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Sunday, February 2, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 3rd February 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 73, the color black and someone who has a connection to Jimmy Conners will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Friday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Should you wear white on Wednesday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Friday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th
You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Tuesday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. When you and a Limpet get together on Thursday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

Sunday, January 26, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 27th January 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Monday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Sunday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Charles Yeager. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Tuesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. Hook up with an Octopus on Friday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Monday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th
In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Ross Perot in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. If you wear too much make-up on Monday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Avoid the number 58 if possible on Thursday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Try relaxing on Thursday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.

Sunday, January 19, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 20th January 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Marilyn Monroe. Does this matter? Only time will tell. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Thursday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Should you wear white on Thursday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Avoid the number 43 if possible on Sunday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Friday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th
This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
The number 98 will be a powerful omen for you this Monday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Friday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Wednesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.

Sunday, January 12, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 13th January 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Dr. Seuss and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Friday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Fred Astaire, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. If you see anybody this week who looks like Mary Tyler Moore, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.

The Slug July 26th
This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Take extra special care on Sunday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Hold a dinner party on Wednesday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Bob Hope, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Wednesday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

Sunday, January 5, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 6th January 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Wednesday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. In a parallel universe you were born as Julia Child. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. On Wednesday, the color red, the number 99 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th
Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 7, the color red and someone who has a connection to Terry Bradshaw will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Saturday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
On Tuesday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. Something involving the color purple will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing yellow. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles George Clooney a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.