Sunday, March 31, 2019

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 1st April 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color orange. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Friday. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
On Tuesday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Henri Mancini in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th
A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. Hanging out with a Scallop on Friday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Edgar Allen Poe will shower you with unusual gifts on Sunday. This will only happen though if you are wearing green Get the guys or girls around your place on Wednesday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 98. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Monday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 28, the color blue and someone who has a connection to Margaret Thatcher will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.

Sunday, March 24, 2019

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 25th March 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 41, the color green and someone who has a connection to Charles Dickens will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th
Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Something about the number 69 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Monday will keep your mind occupied. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 91 feet, but no more than a mile. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.

Sunday, March 17, 2019

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 18th March 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Sunday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Sunday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Sunday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Wednesday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug July 26th
You will go to an auction on Sunday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Saturday. It will impress a secret admirer. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). On Monday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Should you wear green on Wednesday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Mahatma Gandhi, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.

Sunday, March 10, 2019

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 11th March 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A black car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Tuesday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Clint Eastwood and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! You are not Lucille Ball, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Thursday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.

The Slug July 26th
You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. The number 7 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Mohammad Ali then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Sometimes it is good to try something new. Sunday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Something about the number 22 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Friday will keep your mind occupied. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Sunday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

Sunday, March 3, 2019

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 4th March 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Hank Aaron, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. If you see anybody this week who looks like Louis Pasteur, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug July 26th
Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails? Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. Take extra special care on Saturday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.