Sunday, September 24, 2017

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 25th September 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Friday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Wednesday.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Sunday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Saturday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
On Thursday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
The color pink will be very important to you this week. Especially on Wednesday, and when connected to the number 78, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Friday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th
Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about. You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. In a parallel universe you were born as Darth Vader. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Sunday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Try relaxing on Wednesday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.

Sunday, September 17, 2017

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 18th September 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. A man connected with the number 21 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Saturday.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 33. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Something about the number 68 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Wednesday will keep your mind occupied. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Sunday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th
There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. You have dandruff, do something about it!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Abraham Lincoln in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Thursday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.

Sunday, September 10, 2017

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 11th September 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Monday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Friday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Friday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th
There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
On Wednesday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Arthur Ashe. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

Sunday, September 3, 2017

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 4th September 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Monday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Why will the color yellow be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Monday. The number 13 will be a powerful omen for you this Saturday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Get out and enjoy life on Sunday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A man connected with the number 45 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Saturday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th
In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Monday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. On Tuesday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Don't leave your house on Monday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.