Sunday, May 31, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 1st June 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Wednesday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th
Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
On Wednesday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Look yourself in the mirror on Thursday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Friday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Rick Santorum will shower you with unusual gifts on Thursday. This will only happen though if you are wearing purple Saturday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Friday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

Sunday, May 24, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 25th May 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Don't leave your house on Tuesday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Sunday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Saturday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. Why will the color white be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Saturday. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Saturday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th
You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you see anybody this week who looks like Peter Jennings, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Sunday this week. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Saturday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 46, the color green and someone who has a connection to W.C.Fields will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Sunday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

Sunday, May 17, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 18th May 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet John Candy and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like William F. Buckley, Jr. driving a red car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th
There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Sunday, May 10, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 11th May 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A man connected with the number 20 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Thursday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Augustus Caesar. Does this matter? Only time will tell. The number 53 will be a powerful omen for you this Tuesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you wear too much make-up on Thursday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Get out and enjoy life on Wednesday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th
In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Take extra special care on Wednesday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Saturday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Terry Bradshaw, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. When you and a Limpet get together on Friday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

Sunday, May 3, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 4th May 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Tuesday. It will impress a secret admirer. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Dick Van Dyke will shower you with unusual gifts on Wednesday. This will only happen though if you are wearing green If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug July 26th
The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill. You will go to an auction on Sunday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Saturday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Avoid the number 43 if possible on Sunday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.