Sunday, June 24, 2012

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 25th June 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If you make an appointment on Monday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 97 feet, but no more than a mile. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Wednesday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Peter Jennings and Tiger Woods.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Something involving the color green will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A man connected with the number 58 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. On Friday night you will dream of being Whoopi Goldberg. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.


The Slug July 26th

This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Avoid the number 29 if possible on Thursday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.


Sunday, June 17, 2012

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 18th June 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. A man connected with the number 96 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Don't leave your house on Friday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. You will bump into a Mussel on Sunday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. In a parallel universe you were born as Susan B. Anthony. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. On Saturday, the color purple, the number 39 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.


The Slug July 26th

Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Wednesday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Wednesday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

If you wear too much make-up on Monday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.


Sunday, June 10, 2012

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 11th June 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. A green car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Monday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Don't leave your house on Sunday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Monday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Friday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. On Wednesday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Wednesday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.


The Slug July 26th

Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

If you see anybody this week who looks like W.C.Fields, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.


Sunday, June 3, 2012

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 6th June 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Avoid the number 44 if possible on Tuesday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. Get out and enjoy life on Wednesday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. On Monday night you will dream of being Colin L. Powell. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.


The Slug July 26th

This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Charles Yeager, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. On Tuesday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Wednesday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.