Sunday, February 28, 2010

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 1st March 2010

December 2nd - February 19th

Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

February 20th - March 9th

If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. The number 67 will have special significance on Friday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Monday.

March 10th - May 1st

A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

May 2nd - June 2nd

Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Friday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.

June 3rd - July 25th

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.

July 26th

There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you.

July 27th - August 19th

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Get the guys or girls around your place on Wednesday for a lurve fest.

August 20th - October 1st

There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

October 1st - October 29th

You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

October 30th - December 1st

If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22nd February 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Hold a dinner party on Saturday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.


The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Louis Pasteur in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Sunday.


The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.


The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.


The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.


The Slug
July 26th

You have dandruff, do something about it! On Sunday, the number 78 will signify bad news...really bad news. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.


The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Thursday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Get the guys or girls around your place on Tuesday for a lurve fest.


The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.


The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing purple. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.


The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th February 2010

December 2nd - February 19th

Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

February 20th - March 9th

It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Sunday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

March 10th - May 1st

Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Why do people infuriate you so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

May 2nd - June 2nd

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Monday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

June 3rd - July 25th

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

July 26th

Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself.

July 27th - August 19th

Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

August 20th - October 1st

If you make an appointment on Monday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

October 1st - October 29th

Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Thursday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Tuesday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

October 30th - December 1st

Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th February 2010

December 2nd - February 19th

Don't leave your house on Monday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

February 20th - March 9th

You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Helen Keller. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

March 10th - May 1st

Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Monday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.

May 2nd - June 2nd

You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

June 3rd - July 25th

A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. If you wear too much make-up on Monday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

July 26th

You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot.

July 27th - August 19th

Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Take extra special care on Monday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

August 20th - October 1st

You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

October 1st - October 29th

Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

October 30th - December 1st

Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. The number 53 will be a powerful omen for you this Thursday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.