Sunday, December 26, 2010

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 27th December 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

A blue car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Saturday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Friday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug
July 26th

You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. The number 95 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 20th December 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Wednesday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. On Saturday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug
July 26th

Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Why will the color pink be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Tuesday. Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Jack Nicholson, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 13th December 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Tuesday.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Dr. Seuss. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 60. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug
July 26th

Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Get the guys or girls around your place on Monday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

A blue car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Wednesday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Spider Man at all.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. When you and a Limpet get together on Friday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 6th December 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Monday.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Thursday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual.  You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Friday this week. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug
July 26th

You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds.  This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Sometimes it is good to try something new. Monday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Thursday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. On Saturday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

If you make an appointment on Thursday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 29th November 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. You are not Louis Pasteur, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug
July 26th

You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out!

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism.  There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. On Sunday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Friday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22nd November 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. On Friday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. A man connected with the number 13 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Tuesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug
July 26th

Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement?

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. If you wear too much make-up on Tuesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Get the guys or girls around your place on Wednesday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Avoid the number 10 if possible on Wednesday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Leonardo Da Vinci, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing blue. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Thursday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th November 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color yellow. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Wednesday. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Sunday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Augustus Caesar. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual.  The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Helen Keller in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. You are not Michael Jackson, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug
July 26th

You will go to an auction on Saturday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Marilyn Vos Savant, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 35 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Wednesday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Try relaxing on Friday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th November 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Wednesday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves.  Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 34. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 69 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 42, the color red and someone who has a connection to Alexander Graham Bell will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug
July 26th

You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out!

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Friday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 1st November 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Friday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug
July 26th

You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything. The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

If you see anybody this week who looks like William Shakespeare, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist.  Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Saturday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Monday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 25th October 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Hold a dinner party on Monday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Paul Newman, There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug
July 26th

Hanging out with a Scallop on Tuesday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves.  How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 64 feet, but no more than a mile. If you see anybody this week who looks like Walt Disney, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist.  You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Tuesday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Charlie Brown a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 18th October 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Sunday.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. You are not Augustus Caesar, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.

The Slug
July 26th

Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual.  Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Nathaniel Hawthorne, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Benny Goodman. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. In a parallel universe you were born as Nathaniel Hawthorne. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 11th October 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

A pretty young woman connected to the number 3 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Wednesday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Friday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves.  You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. On Tuesday night you will dream of being Weird Al Yankovick. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug
July 26th

You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out!

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Sunday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual.  On Sunday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. The number 61 will be a powerful omen for you this Friday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 4th October 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color.  Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Don't leave your house on Sunday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug
July 26th

You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. If you see anybody this week who looks like Mr. Rogers, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist.  This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Sometimes it is good to try something new. Thursday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Try relaxing on Monday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 27th September 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. If you see anybody this week who looks like Newt Gingrich, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist.  A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. A pretty young woman connected to the number 75 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Wednesday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Avoid the number 80 if possible on Saturday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though, that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Friday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. You are not Thomas Jefferson, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Wednesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Wednesday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Wednesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug
July 26th

Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. On Friday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 20th September 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

If you make an appointment on Friday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Ronald Regan, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves.  Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Tuesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like James Dean. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. On Wednesday night you will dream of being Benny Goodman. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug
July 26th

Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Michael J. Jordan driving a pink car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. On Monday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 13th September 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Clint Eastwood. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Thursday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Monday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

The number 81 will be a powerful omen for you this Sunday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. On Wednesday night you will dream of being Newt Gingrich. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug
July 26th

Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Tuesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. On Saturday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.