Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 26th February 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 68 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). A man connected with the number 58 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Neil Armstrong. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Wednesday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Sunday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. You are not Harry Houdini, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Henry A. Kissinger, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th

Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Take extra special care on Sunday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

The number 75 will be a powerful omen for you this Wednesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Why will the color green be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Wednesday. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.

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Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 19th February 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. A yellow car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Wednesday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Why will the color purple be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Monday. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th

The number 47 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 71 feet, but no more than a mile. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Monday. It will impress a secret admirer. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. When you and a Limpet get together on Wednesday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.

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Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th February 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

The color pink will be very important to you this week. Especially on Saturday, and when connected to the number 19, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. You are not Beethoven, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Sunday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug July 26th

With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Look yourself in the mirror on Monday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. If you make an appointment on Wednesday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Thursday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

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Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 5th February 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Thursday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. Hook up with an Octopus on Wednesday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th

You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Take extra special care on Sunday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

The number 32 will have special significance on Thursday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Monday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Try relaxing on Saturday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.

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