Sunday, September 27, 2009

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 28th September 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.


The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Tuesday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.


The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".


The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. Hook up with an octopus on Saturday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.


The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Tell someone that they look great...even if they are pig ugly.


The Slug
July 26th

Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails? Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not.


The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).


The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. The color pink will be very important to you this week. Especially on Sunday, and when connected to the number 80, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Go easy on the chili sauce this weak.


The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

If you stayed in bed *all* week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie.


The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Don't leave your house on Monday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 21st September 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. Beware an advance from a limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.


The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.


The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.


The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.


The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.


The Slug
July 26th

Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is.


The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Wednesday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.


The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. The color blue will be very important to you this week. Especially on Tuesday, and when connected to the number 36, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Avoid the kung po chicken.


The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. The number 92 will be a powerful omen for you this Wednesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing black. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.


The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Sunday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 14th September 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

If you stayed in bed *all* week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.


The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Tuesday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).


The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Saturday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. You will bump into a Mussel on Sunday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.


The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Hook up with an octopus on Thursday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.


The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must *never* buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.


The Slug
July 26th

You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you?


The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Thursday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.


The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! A clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.


The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing purple. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.


The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 7th September 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must *never* buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.


The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. The number 73 will be a powerful omen for you this Tuesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and *then* go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Monday.


The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.


The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Should you wear white on Saturday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. If you make an appointment on Tuesday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.


The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Friday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!


The Slug
July 26th

Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no.


The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

If you wear too much make-up on Wednesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Tuesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).


The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Sunday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.


The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Monday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!


The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Friday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.