Sunday, July 29, 2012

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 30th July 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

On Tuesday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. If you make an appointment on Friday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Mohammad Ali and Tiger Woods.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If you wear too much make-up on Wednesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Tuesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 38. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.


The Slug July 26th

It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A man connected with the number 98 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Friday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Tuesday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.


Sunday, July 22, 2012

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 23rd July 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 36. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. On Tuesday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Should you wear orange on Wednesday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. You are not Abraham Lincoln, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

On Thursday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Monday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!


The Slug July 26th

Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Avoid the number 89 if possible on Tuesday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? On Monday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.


Sunday, July 15, 2012

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 16th July 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Saturday.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Don't leave your house on Thursday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Friday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. You will bump into a Mussel on Monday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Bob Hope, If you see anybody this week who looks like Rick Perry, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Sunday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.


The Slug July 26th

Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

On Friday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A black car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Friday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. When you and a Limpet get together on Saturday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.


Sunday, July 8, 2012

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 9th July 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Wednesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.


The Slug July 26th

In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Tuesday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. On Thursday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. On Saturday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.


Sunday, July 1, 2012

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 2nd July 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 74, the color blue and someone who has a connection to William James will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Sunday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Sunday this week. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If you see anybody this week who looks like Clint Eastwood, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Tuesday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.


The Slug July 26th

The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. On Friday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.