Sunday, September 27, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 28th September 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 88 feet, but no more than a mile. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Thursday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.


The Slug July 26th

You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. On Tuesday, the number 79 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. On Tuesday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Thursday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing yellow. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Aristotle, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.


Sunday, September 20, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 21st September 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Friday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Friday.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Wednesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Friday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Friday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.


The Slug July 26th

Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 52. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. On Saturday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Friday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.


Monday, September 14, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 14th September 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Sunday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.


The Slug July 26th

Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. On Monday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Friday. It will impress a secret admirer. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Mr. Rogers, Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Charles Everett Koop, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Something involving the color yellow will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.


Sunday, September 6, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 7th September 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Wednesday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Monday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. If you make an appointment on Friday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Wednesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!


The Slug July 26th

Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Friday. It will impress a secret admirer. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 89 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Sometimes it is good to try something new. Friday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Saturday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Wednesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.