Sunday, June 28, 2009

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 29th June 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Beware an advance from a limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.


The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and *then* go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Saturday.


The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".


The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 8. Remember, your lips are sealed.


The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Friday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Bless your barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Sunday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.


The Slug
July 26th

Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!


The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Get the guys or girls around your place on Thursday for a lurve fest.


The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".


The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.


The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22nd June 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

A pretty young woman connected to the number 48 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.


The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. On Tuesday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.


The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Monday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.


The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.


The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.


The Slug
July 26th

It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly.


The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must *never* buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Take extra special care on Wednesday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.


The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. A clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.


The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie.


The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th June 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of clams. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.


The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must *never* buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.


The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.


The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Don't leave your house on Tuesday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.


The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.


The Slug
July 26th

The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers.


The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Sunday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?


The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.


The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie.


The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th June 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. On Thursday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.


The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Friday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.


The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Don't leave your house on Saturday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.


The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Hook up with an octopus on Tuesday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.


The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Saturday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.


The Slug
July 26th

Hanging out with a Scallop on Saturday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week.


The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?


The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. A clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.


The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of clams. Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).


The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.