Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 2nd October 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Thursday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color pink. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Monday. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Saturday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th

The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Saturday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.

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Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 25th September 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Thursday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color white. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Wednesday. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. The number 86 will have special significance on Tuesday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th

The number 20 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 14 feet, but no more than a mile. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

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Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 18th September

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Thursday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. On Thursday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 34 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). On Thursday, the color black, the number 83 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th

You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about. You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Take extra special care on Monday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. On Tuesday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Wake up at 3:00 AM on Monday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.

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Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 11th September 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 66 feet, but no more than a mile. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. A yellow car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Thursday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Tuesday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Tuesday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th

You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Monday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Tuesday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

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Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 4th September 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Tuesday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like James Dean, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Jim Carrey, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Andy Rooney and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Hold a dinner party on Thursday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th

Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. A man connected with the number 72 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Monday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.

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Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 28th August 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

On Monday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Arthur Ashe, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Don't leave your house on Thursday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Hold a dinner party on Thursday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Tuesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th

Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Friday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Something about the number 9 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Thursday will keep your mind occupied. Should you wear yellow on Friday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 21st August 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Rick Santorum will shower you with unusual gifts on Thursday. This will only happen though if you are wearing white A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Sunday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th

Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails? You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Lewis Carrol, You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles John Candy a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 14th August 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Sunday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. A pretty young woman connected to the number 39 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. If you make an appointment on Sunday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug July 26th

Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Friday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. A man connected with the number 31 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 3. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Why will the color red be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Friday. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 7th August 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Monday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Sunday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Thursday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th

You have dandruff, do something about it! Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Thursday this week. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Monday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Hold a dinner party on Friday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Friday. It will impress a secret admirer. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Wednesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 31st July 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Something involving the color purple will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th

This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Tuesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. On Saturday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Tuesday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 24th July 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. The number 87 will be a powerful omen for you this Wednesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color green. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Tuesday. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. On Monday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Herman Cain, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.

The Slug July 26th

Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails? Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. The number 17 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Wednesday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. When you and a Limpet get together on Sunday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 17th July 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

The number 71 will be a powerful omen for you this Wednesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

On Wednesday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. You are not Mahatma Gandhi, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th

Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about. You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Monday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Hold a dinner party on Sunday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A pretty young woman connected to the number 68 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Saturday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Sometimes it is good to try something new. Friday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. If you make an appointment on Saturday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th July 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Columbus and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? If you wear too much make-up on Wednesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Thursday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Friday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Something about the number 45 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Thursday will keep your mind occupied. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Monday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th

You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. You have dandruff, do something about it! Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Thursday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 3rd July 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Michele Pfeiffer. Does this matter? Only time will tell. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Fred Astaire and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Tuesday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Jimmy Conners, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.

The Slug July 26th

You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Something about the number 87 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Friday will keep your mind occupied. Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. On Saturday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. When you and a Limpet get together on Monday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A orange car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Wednesday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 26th June 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. On Sunday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. The color pink will be very important to you this week. Especially on Thursday, and when connected to the number 4, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug July 26th

Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A pretty young woman connected to the number 87 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Bill Clinton, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.

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Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 19th June 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Alicia Silverstone and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 41 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. The number 20 will be a powerful omen for you this Tuesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Hook up with an Octopus on Friday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug July 26th

This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? On Friday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Should you wear pink on Friday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Tuesday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.

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Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th June 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Thursday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Something about the number 48 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Saturday will keep your mind occupied. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Paul Harvey, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Friday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th

Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. The number 22 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Tuesday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.

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