Monday, May 16, 2022

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 16th May 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

On Friday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 66. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Saturday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Thursday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!


The Slug July 26th

Hanging out with a Scallop on Monday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A pretty young woman connected to the number 39 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Friday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Andy Griffith, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 87 feet, but no more than a mile. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Sunday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color yellow. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Monday. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.


Sunday, May 8, 2022

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 9th May 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Saturday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.


The Slug July 26th

Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails? If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Take extra special care on Thursday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Avoid the number 21 if possible on Sunday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 56 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Saturday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Saturday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.


Monday, May 2, 2022

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 2nd May 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Sunday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If you see anybody this week who looks like Gloria Steinem, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Monday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.


The Slug July 26th

The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill. Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Charles Yeager. Does this matter? Only time will tell. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Sunday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.


Sunday, April 24, 2022

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 25th April 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. The color purple will be very important to you this week. Especially on Tuesday, and when connected to the number 54, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Sunday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.


The Slug July 26th

Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you make an appointment on Monday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Something about the number 61 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Sunday will keep your mind occupied. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A pretty young woman connected to the number 14 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.


Sunday, April 17, 2022

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 18th April 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Mark Twain. Does this matter? Only time will tell. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Friday who looks at all like Sigourney Weaver, then you should kiss them without hesitation.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Napoleon, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. On Monday, the color white, the number 82 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.


The Slug July 26th

There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Sunday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Saturday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.


Sunday, April 10, 2022

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 11th April 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Sometimes it is good to try something new. Friday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Sunday who looks at all like Norman Rockwell, then you should kiss them without hesitation.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 86 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Get out and enjoy life on Saturday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Sunday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.


The Slug July 26th

You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. On Sunday, the number 70 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Friday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Something involving the color red will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Hold a dinner party on Sunday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! When you and a Limpet get together on Wednesday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.


Sunday, April 3, 2022

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 4th April 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Sunday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Tuesday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Monday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!


The Slug July 26th

Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing green. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Try relaxing on Thursday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.


Monday, March 28, 2022

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 28th March 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 74 feet, but no more than a mile. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If you make an appointment on Tuesday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.


The Slug July 26th

Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. Look yourself in the mirror on Monday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 19. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Charles Dickens. Does this matter? Only time will tell. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color black. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Monday. The number 51 will be a powerful omen for you this Friday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.


Sunday, March 20, 2022

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 21st March 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Monday.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Sunday this week. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Bob Dylan driving a black car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Thursday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.


The Slug July 26th

Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color purple. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Friday. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Wednesday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Wednesday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Monday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.


Sunday, March 13, 2022

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 14th March 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. If you make an appointment on Sunday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Monday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Tuesday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.


The Slug July 26th

You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Saturday. It will impress a secret admirer. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Don't leave your house on Friday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 97 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Dr. Seuss. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Friday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.


Sunday, March 6, 2022

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 7th March 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color pink. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Sunday. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). On Friday, the color pink, the number 68 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.


The Slug July 26th

This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. The number 65 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If you see anybody this week who looks like Carl Sagan, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Dick Van Dyke at all.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Monday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Julia Child in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.


Sunday, February 27, 2022

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 28th February 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If you wear too much make-up on Wednesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 46. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Friday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.


The Slug July 26th

It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails?


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.


Sunday, February 20, 2022

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 21st February 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Avoid the number 25 if possible on Thursday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Sunday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Your week will become focused around Tuesday, when the the number 45, the color purple and someone who has a connection to General Norman Schwarzkopf will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Monday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Rick Santorum. Does this matter? Only time will tell. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.


The Slug July 26th

Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Michael J. Jordan in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.


Sunday, February 13, 2022

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 14th February 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Wednesday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Tuesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.


The Slug July 26th

Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. The number 72 will be a powerful omen for you this Sunday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Friday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.


Sunday, February 6, 2022

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 7th February 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Sunday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Saturday.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

In a parallel universe you were born as Michele Pfeiffer. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. The color black will be very important to you this week. Especially on Saturday, and when connected to the number 57, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.


The Slug July 26th

You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Wednesday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.


Sunday, January 30, 2022

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 31st January 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A man connected with the number 72 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Tuesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.


The Slug July 26th

You will go to an auction on Wednesday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. On Monday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Sunday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.


Sunday, January 23, 2022

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 24th January 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Should you wear blue on Tuesday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. If you make an appointment on Monday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.


The Slug July 26th

There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. You have dandruff, do something about it! Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Abraham Lincoln in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Sunday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.