Sunday, October 31, 2010

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 1st November 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Friday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug
July 26th

You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything. The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

If you see anybody this week who looks like William Shakespeare, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist.  Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Saturday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Monday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 25th October 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Hold a dinner party on Monday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Paul Newman, There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug
July 26th

Hanging out with a Scallop on Tuesday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves.  How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 64 feet, but no more than a mile. If you see anybody this week who looks like Walt Disney, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist.  You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Tuesday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Charlie Brown a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 18th October 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Sunday.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. You are not Augustus Caesar, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.

The Slug
July 26th

Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual.  Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Nathaniel Hawthorne, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Benny Goodman. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. In a parallel universe you were born as Nathaniel Hawthorne. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 11th October 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

A pretty young woman connected to the number 3 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Wednesday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Friday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves.  You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. On Tuesday night you will dream of being Weird Al Yankovick. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug
July 26th

You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out!

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Sunday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual.  On Sunday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. The number 61 will be a powerful omen for you this Friday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 4th October 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color.  Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Don't leave your house on Sunday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug
July 26th

You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. If you see anybody this week who looks like Mr. Rogers, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist.  This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Sometimes it is good to try something new. Thursday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Try relaxing on Monday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.