Sunday, January 26, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 27th January 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Monday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Sunday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Charles Yeager. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Tuesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. Hook up with an Octopus on Friday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Monday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th
In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Ross Perot in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. If you wear too much make-up on Monday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Avoid the number 58 if possible on Thursday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Try relaxing on Thursday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.

Sunday, January 19, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 20th January 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Marilyn Monroe. Does this matter? Only time will tell. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Thursday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Should you wear white on Thursday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Avoid the number 43 if possible on Sunday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Friday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th
This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
The number 98 will be a powerful omen for you this Monday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Friday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Wednesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.

Sunday, January 12, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 13th January 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Dr. Seuss and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Friday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Fred Astaire, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. If you see anybody this week who looks like Mary Tyler Moore, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.

The Slug July 26th
This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Take extra special care on Sunday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Hold a dinner party on Wednesday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Bob Hope, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Wednesday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

Sunday, January 5, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 6th January 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Wednesday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. In a parallel universe you were born as Julia Child. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. On Wednesday, the color red, the number 99 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th
Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 7, the color red and someone who has a connection to Terry Bradshaw will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Saturday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
On Tuesday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. Something involving the color purple will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing yellow. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles George Clooney a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.