Sunday, August 6, 2017

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 7th August 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Should you wear white on Sunday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Monday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Something involving the color blue will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Gandhi driving a red car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th
Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails? Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Wednesday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. On Saturday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Sunday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.

Sunday, July 30, 2017

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 31st July 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? On Friday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Get out and enjoy life on Monday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Why will the color red be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Tuesday. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Wednesday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th
Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement?

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Spider Man then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Monday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Thursday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Don't leave your house on Sunday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.

Sunday, July 23, 2017

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 24th July 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. A man connected with the number 14 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Saturday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Sunday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. A man connected with the number 84 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Tuesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th
The number 9 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Michael J. Fox then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Saturday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

Sunday, July 16, 2017

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 17th July 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Paul Harvey. Does this matter? Only time will tell. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Wednesday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Elvis Presley, Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Sunday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug July 26th
Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Monday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. On Friday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. When you and a Limpet get together on Tuesday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.

Sunday, July 9, 2017

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th July 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Sunday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Sunday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color black. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Monday. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. You are not Whoopi Goldberg, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.

The Slug July 26th
On Friday, the number 67 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Take extra special care on Sunday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Monday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Friday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Paul McCartney a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.

Sunday, July 2, 2017

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 3rd July 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Sometimes it is good to try something new. Saturday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 5 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th
Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you. You will go to an auction on Thursday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Tuesday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Saturday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.

Sunday, June 25, 2017

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 26th June 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Wednesday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Sunday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.

The Slug July 26th
Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. You have dandruff, do something about it! It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Look yourself in the mirror on Sunday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. A man connected with the number 76 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Saturday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 19th June 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Should you wear orange on Friday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th
You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you. On Sunday, the number 84 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
On Tuesday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Michael J. Fox at all.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Sunday, June 11, 2017

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th June 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Don't leave your house on Sunday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Sunday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug July 26th
Hanging out with a Scallop on Tuesday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Sunday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

Sunday, June 4, 2017

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 5th June 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. If you wear too much make-up on Tuesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Mr. Rogers, Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Get out and enjoy life on Thursday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. On Sunday, the color yellow, the number 49 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th
Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Thursday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
On Friday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Tuesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Bill Gates driving a orange car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Susan B. Anthony in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.

Sunday, May 28, 2017

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 29th May 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. The color green will be very important to you this week. Especially on Wednesday, and when connected to the number 70, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you see anybody this week who looks like Weird Al Yankovick, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Thursday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug July 26th
You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Wednesday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Pablo Piccaso, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.

Sunday, May 21, 2017

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22nd May 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th
On Monday, the number 64 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News. In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you see anybody this week who looks like Bob Hope, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th May 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Sunday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. If you wear too much make-up on Sunday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Hold a dinner party on Friday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. You are not Sean Connery, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th
Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Should you wear blue on Thursday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Tuesday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Something involving the color black will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Monday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.

Sunday, May 7, 2017

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th May 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 23. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Alfred Hitchcock driving a orange car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.

The Slug July 26th
Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Saturday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Friday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing purple. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.

Sunday, April 30, 2017

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 1st May 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Monday.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you make an appointment on Friday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. On Sunday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Saturday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th
In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you. You will go to an auction on Saturday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. On Friday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Avoid the number 54 if possible on Monday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you wear too much make-up on Tuesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.

Sunday, April 23, 2017

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 24th April 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Thursday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Tuesday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Monday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. On Monday, the color yellow, the number 66 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th
It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Robin Williams then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Tuesday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
On Thursday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

Monday, April 17, 2017

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 17th April 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. On Saturday, the color white, the number 78 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th
Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably. Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you?

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Take extra special care on Sunday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Jack Nicholson driving a red car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Michelle Bachman at all.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Charlie Brown, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.