Sunday, September 26, 2010

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 27th September 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. If you see anybody this week who looks like Newt Gingrich, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist.  A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. A pretty young woman connected to the number 75 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Wednesday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Avoid the number 80 if possible on Saturday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though, that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Friday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. You are not Thomas Jefferson, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Wednesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Wednesday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Wednesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug
July 26th

Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. On Friday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 20th September 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

If you make an appointment on Friday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Ronald Regan, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves.  Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Tuesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like James Dean. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. On Wednesday night you will dream of being Benny Goodman. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug
July 26th

Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Michael J. Jordan driving a pink car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. On Monday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 13th September 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Clint Eastwood. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Thursday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Monday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

The number 81 will be a powerful omen for you this Sunday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. On Wednesday night you will dream of being Newt Gingrich. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug
July 26th

Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Tuesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. On Saturday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 6th September 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Monday.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Thursday night get-together.

The Slug
July 26th

A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 78, the color pink and someone who has a connection to Charles Yeager will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color.  A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

In a parallel universe you were born as Sean Connery. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Don't leave your house on Wednesday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.