Sunday, October 20, 2019

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 21st October 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Wednesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A man connected with the number 76 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Wednesday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Avoid the number 35 if possible on Sunday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th
A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Look yourself in the mirror on Thursday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Sunday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Monday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Wednesday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

Sunday, October 13, 2019

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 14th October 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Hold a dinner party on Tuesday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color red. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Tuesday. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Thursday who looks at all like Meryl Streep, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 88 feet, but no more than a mile. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Wednesday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th
Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Friday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Sometimes it is good to try something new. Thursday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Louis Pasteur, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Sunday, October 6, 2019

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 7th October 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Monday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Thursday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
The number 80 will be a powerful omen for you this Wednesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. On Thursday, the color green, the number 21 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th
Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails? Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Weird Al Yankovick a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.