Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22nd July 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. On Tuesday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Why will the color yellow be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Saturday. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 56 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Monday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Monday this week. Hold a dinner party on Sunday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! You will bump into a Mussel on Monday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Thursday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th

Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. On Saturday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. On Monday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Aristotle will shower you with unusual gifts on Saturday. This will only happen though if you are wearing orange Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing purple. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Monday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th July 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th

Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about. The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

In a parallel universe you were born as Thomas Edison. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Sunday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Monday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th July 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Don't leave your house on Tuesday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Friday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. Tuesday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Monday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Michael Jackson, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Saturday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th

Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Carol Burnett. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 42 feet, but no more than a mile. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. The number 3 will have special significance on Thursday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing pink. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 1st July 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Hold a dinner party on Sunday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Jacqueline Kennedy Onasis driving a black car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. A man connected with the number 12 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Thursday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not John Lennon, Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 19. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Monday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th

Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Monday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 24th June 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Hold a dinner party on Tuesday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! A man connected with the number 93 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. The number 31 will have special significance on Friday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.

The Slug July 26th

Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Sigourney Weaver, The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Wednesday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 17th June 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

The number 56 will have special significance on Tuesday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Sunday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Friday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug July 26th

The number 17 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Sunday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Don't leave your house on Tuesday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th June 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. If you wear too much make-up on Thursday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Magic Johnson will shower you with unusual gifts on Wednesday. This will only happen though if you are wearing green Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.

The Slug July 26th

Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

On Tuesday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Tuesday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Walt Disney, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Friday this week. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Saturday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 3rd June 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Sunday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A black car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Sunday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Wednesday this week. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Tuesday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug July 26th

Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Wednesday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you wear too much make-up on Sunday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 27th May 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Friday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. The number 82 will have special significance on Sunday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Avoid the number 79 if possible on Sunday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 2, the color yellow and someone who has a connection to Oprah Winfrey will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th

Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails? Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Get the guys or girls around your place on Saturday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

In a parallel universe you were born as Jimmy Conners. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Chuck Yeager, Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color red. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Tuesday. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 20th May 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. On Friday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. You are not Danny Glover, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. On Saturday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th

With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. Hanging out with a Scallop on Monday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Monday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 13th May 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Tuesday. It will impress a secret admirer. You will bump into a Mussel on Wednesday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Tuesday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. On Wednesday, the color blue, the number 73 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th

You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Friday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Colin L. Powell then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

In a parallel universe you were born as Charles Dickens. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Michelangelo, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 6th May 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Saturday who looks at all like Martin Luther King, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Wednesday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Something involving the color orange will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.

The Slug July 26th

Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Thursday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Wednesday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 29th April 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Hold a dinner party on Monday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Get out and enjoy life on Sunday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Tuesday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th

With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. The number 5 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Saturday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Saturday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Eddie Murphy at all.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Monday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Dan Rather driving a pink car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Thursday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22nd April 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Tuesday who looks at all like Fred Astaire, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. A pretty young woman connected to the number 78 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Wednesday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th

This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Roy Rogers then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Why will the color white be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Friday. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15 April 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Something involving the color green will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like John F. Kennedy, Jr. driving a green car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 74, the color black and someone who has a connection to John Travolta will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th

The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Something about the number 6 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Monday will keep your mind occupied. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Chuck Yeager then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. On Friday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Chuck Yeager, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th April 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Thursday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Newt Gingrich, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Louis Pasteur and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A pretty young woman connected to the number 74 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. If you wear too much make-up on Thursday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th

Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Look yourself in the mirror on Wednesday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 3 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 1st April 204

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

The number 20 will be a powerful omen for you this Tuesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Something involving the color orange will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th

You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Should you wear purple on Friday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. In a parallel universe you were born as Ross Perot. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Liberace then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Saturday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

On Sunday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

[?2004h