Monday, May 28, 2018

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 28th May 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Wednesday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Ben Franklin will shower you with unusual gifts on Monday. This will only happen though if you are wearing orange Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Sunday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Get out and enjoy life on Wednesday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Sunday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th
Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 84 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 94. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Friday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you wear too much make-up on Sunday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Should you wear white on Monday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Monday, May 21, 2018

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 21st May 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Saturday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Friday this week. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug July 26th
Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Spider Man, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

Monday, May 14, 2018

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 14th May 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A man connected with the number 87 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 39 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Wednesday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Thursday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. A pretty young woman connected to the number 65 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. You are not Louis Pasteur, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Friday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug July 26th
Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails?

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Mozart in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Wednesday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Friday. It will impress a secret admirer. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.

Monday, May 7, 2018

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 7th May 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. On Wednesday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Andy Rooney. Does this matter? Only time will tell. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Thursday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 33 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Monday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th
A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Susan B. Anthony then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The color orange will be very important to you this week. Especially on Tuesday, and when connected to the number 63, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.