Sunday, May 24, 2015

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 25th May 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Should you wear yellow on Monday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Friday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Monday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Mary Tyler Moore, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Wednesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th
Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. Hanging out with a Scallop on Wednesday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Dan Rather then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
The color blue will be very important to you this week. Especially on Monday, and when connected to the number 37, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Don't leave your house on Wednesday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Friday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A man connected with the number 43 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 18th May 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. On Monday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Don't leave your house on Friday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th
You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color pink. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Wednesday. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

Monday, May 11, 2015

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 11th May 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Saturday. It will impress a secret admirer. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
On Monday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th
You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color red. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Monday. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Wednesday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Henri Mancini. Does this matter? Only time will tell. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.

Monday, May 4, 2015

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 4th May 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Miles Davis. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Wednesday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 86. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. If you make an appointment on Sunday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Carl Sagan, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug July 26th
With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 46, the color white and someone who has a connection to Bob Dylan will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. If you see anybody this week who looks like Spider Man, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Saturday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. A man connected with the number 87 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.