Sunday, March 29, 2009

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 30th March 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.


The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Avoid roller-coasters at *all* costs on Sunday.


The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. You will bump into a Mussel on Monday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.


The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Sunday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.


The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.


The Slug
July 26th

Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. Hanging out with a Scallop on Sunday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence.


The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Invite a squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.


The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter.


The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.


The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 23rd March 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. A man connected with the number 62 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Beware an advance from a limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.


The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!


The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.


The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. You know a squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of clam-support.


The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Sunday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 66 feet, but no more than a mile. Tell someone that they look great...even if they are pig ugly.


The Slug
July 26th

Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. You will be followed by a strange smell everywhere you go this week. That smell is you...take a bath! There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant.


The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Tuesday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.


The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Friday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?


The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must *never* buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.


The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 16th March 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Laughter will fill the air this week. But it will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.


The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.


The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.


The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.


The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.


The Slug
July 26th

You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot.


The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Tuesday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.


The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.


The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.


The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 9th March 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.


The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Sunday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Sunday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!


The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Meet up with a squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.


The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.


The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Tuesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!


The Slug
July 26th

Hanging out with a Scallop on Thursday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is.


The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Tuesday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Take extra special care on Sunday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.


The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Saturday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Avoid the kung po chicken.


The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Monday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.


The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 2nd March 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Wednesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.


The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Tuesday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).


The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.


The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

If you wear too much make-up on Saturday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. You know a squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of clam-support.


The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. If you make an appointment on Friday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.


The Slug
July 26th

You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number.


The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?


The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.


The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy.


The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Avoid the number 66 if possible on Friday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". A man connected with the number 21 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.