Monday, February 26, 2018

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 26th February 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Don't leave your house on Thursday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Tuesday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Something about the number 1 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Thursday will keep your mind occupied. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th
Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 80. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Friday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

Sunday, February 18, 2018

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 19th February 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Thursday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. You are not Robin Williams, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th
Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. On Friday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A man connected with the number 49 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Sunday, February 11, 2018

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th February 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. You will bump into a Mussel on Tuesday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Friday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th
Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Take extra special care on Sunday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Augustus Caesar at all.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 94, the color black and someone who has a connection to Andy Griffith will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Saturday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A pretty young woman connected to the number 97 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Columbus a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.

Sunday, February 4, 2018

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 5th February 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. Why will the color pink be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Sunday. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Thursday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug July 26th
You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Take extra special care on Saturday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Something about the number 3 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Monday will keep your mind occupied. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Monday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.