Sunday, December 30, 2018

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 31st December 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 83 feet, but no more than a mile. Don't leave your house on Saturday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Robin Williams and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like John Candy, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Avoid the number 72 if possible on Saturday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". A pretty young woman connected to the number 40 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Tuesday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th
In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Sunday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.

Monday, December 24, 2018

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 24th December 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Sunday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A man connected with the number 74 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like George Carlin. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Tuesday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Sunday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. In a parallel universe you were born as Benny Goodman. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Wednesday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th
Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Sunday, December 16, 2018

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 17th December 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Something involving the color blue will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. On Monday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 41, the color purple and someone who has a connection to Alexander Graham Bell will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Thursday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. The number 18 will be a powerful omen for you this Friday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug July 26th
The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill. In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. On Monday, the number 19 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

Sunday, December 9, 2018

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th December 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Wednesday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Why will the color black be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Monday. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Tuesday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Thursday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Friday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug July 26th
Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Something about the number 46 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Sunday will keep your mind occupied. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. On Monday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Friday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. When you and a Limpet get together on Friday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.

Sunday, December 2, 2018

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 3rd December 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Saturday who looks at all like Louis Pasteur, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you make an appointment on Thursday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color yellow. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Sunday. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Saturday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th
Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. When you and a Limpet get together on Thursday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.