Monday, August 18, 2014

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 18th August 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Tuesday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Thursday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th
The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 85. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Thursday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
On Saturday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles John Travolta a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 11th August 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 14 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Friday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Gandhi in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Ronald Regan, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Rick Perry. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th
It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Tuesday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. When you and a Limpet get together on Sunday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 4th August 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 54 feet, but no more than a mile. A man connected with the number 39 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Monday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug July 26th
You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Should you wear purple on Wednesday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Friday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? On Friday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing green. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.