Sunday, November 30, 2008

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 1st December

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. Beware the old saying: 'a squid in need is a squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.


The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. On Monday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.


The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Sunday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.


The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Tuesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think out of the box. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.


The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. You might know of a slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a slug, you probably won't want to help them.


The Slug
July 26th

Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly.


The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Wednesday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.


The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.


The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie.


The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 24th November

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, speak to your doctor for advice. Beware an advance from a limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.


The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.


The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Wednesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Meet up with a squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.


The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? You know a squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of clam-support.


The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. You might know of a slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a slug, you probably won't want to help them.


The Slug
July 26th

A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you.


The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Tuesday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.


The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Thursday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.


The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.


The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Don't leave your house on Sunday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 17th November

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.


The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. A squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.


The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. Meet up with an oyster for a fun time on Tuesday.


The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Hook up with an octopus on Monday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.


The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Friday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.


The Slug
July 26th

Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly.


The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Friday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day


The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Go easy on the chili sauce this weak.


The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

A pretty young woman connected to the number 18 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.


The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'sell. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th November

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

A pretty young woman connected to the number 27 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. You may want to keep a fellow clam close to your side on Thursday.


The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. You know a clam who deserves to be punched...twice!


The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 95 feet, but no more than a mile. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.


The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Saturday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Remember, your lips are sealed.


The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.


The Slug
July 26th

You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault.


The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Sunday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarterpounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.


The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter.


The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.


The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 3rd November

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.


The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. This is certainly a week where if you see a slug, then you should given them a punch on the chin.


The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

A man connected with the number 14 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.


The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. Get out and enjoy life on Monday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.


The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. You might know of a slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a slug, you probably won't want to help them.


The Slug
July 26th

You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails? Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows.


The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.


The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. If you stayed in bed *all* week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Wednesday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.


The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of clams. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.


The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'sell. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.