Sunday, September 19, 2021

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 20th September 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Tuesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Mary Tyler Moore. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Sunday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.


The Slug July 26th

Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Colin L. Powell then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. On Friday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. In a parallel universe you were born as Thomas Edison. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.


Sunday, September 12, 2021

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 13th September 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Something involving the color white will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Tuesday.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like General Norman Schwarzkopf, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Saturday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!


The Slug July 26th

One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

The number 21 will be a powerful omen for you this Sunday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Mahatma Gandhi, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Jesse Jackson a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.


Monday, September 6, 2021

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 6th September 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Should you wear pink on Thursday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Wednesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color orange. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Thursday. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.


The Slug July 26th

Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.


Monday, August 30, 2021

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 30th August 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Friday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If you see anybody this week who looks like Napoleon, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.


The Slug July 26th

This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you make an appointment on Monday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.


Sunday, August 22, 2021

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 24th August 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Charlie Brown will shower you with unusual gifts on Thursday. This will only happen though if you are wearing red You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. In a parallel universe you were born as Bill Cosby. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.


The Slug July 26th

If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. Hanging out with a Scallop on Monday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Wednesday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. The number 88 will be a powerful omen for you this Tuesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.


Monday, August 16, 2021

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 16th August 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Friday. It will impress a secret admirer. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Columbus and Tiger Woods.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Monday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.


The Slug July 26th

A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Look yourself in the mirror on Friday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Marilyn Vos Savant, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not C. G. Jung at all.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Bill Cosby, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.


Sunday, August 8, 2021

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 9th August 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Friday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Something about the number 49 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Thursday will keep your mind occupied. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If you wear too much make-up on Saturday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.


The Slug July 26th

One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Friday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Wednesday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A orange car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Thursday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.


Monday, August 2, 2021

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 2nd August 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Louis Pasteur. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

The number 0 will be a powerful omen for you this Sunday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

On Thursday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Hook up with an Octopus on Saturday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Monday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.


The Slug July 26th

Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out!


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Don't leave your house on Friday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Saturday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Friday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.


Sunday, July 25, 2021

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 26th July 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Whoopi Goldberg will shower you with unusual gifts on Monday. This will only happen though if you are wearing orange Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If you make an appointment on Thursday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Thursday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. In a parallel universe you were born as Ross Perot. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. On Saturday night you will dream of being Walter Cronkite. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.


The Slug July 26th

A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Look yourself in the mirror on Friday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Friday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. On Saturday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A man connected with the number 20 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.


Sunday, July 18, 2021

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 19th July 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Wednesday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Saturday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.


The Slug July 26th

You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.


Monday, July 12, 2021

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th July 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Thursday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Wednesday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Monday this week. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.


The Slug July 26th

There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. Something about the number 32 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Thursday will keep your mind occupied. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Tuesday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. The color black will be very important to you this week. Especially on Monday, and when connected to the number 28, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.


Sunday, July 4, 2021

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 5th July 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Newt Gingrich and Tiger Woods.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Should you wear green on Saturday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Tuesday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.


The Slug July 26th

The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath. Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Michael Landon, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Sunday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Try relaxing on Thursday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.


Monday, June 28, 2021

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 28th June 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like John F. Kennedy, Jr., then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. On Friday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. You will bump into a Mussel on Monday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 26, the color purple and someone who has a connection to Shirley MacLaine will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. On Wednesday, the color red, the number 33 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.


The Slug July 26th

You will go to an auction on Monday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. On Thursday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 14. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Thomas Jefferson driving a pink car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.


Sunday, June 20, 2021

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 21st June 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Louis Pasteur. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.


The Slug July 26th

You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you wear too much make-up on Sunday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Tuesday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

The number 0 will have special significance on Sunday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Tuesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Beethoven a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.


Tuesday, June 15, 2021

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 14th June 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Sunday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Tuesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Wednesday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.


The Slug July 26th

One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly. Hanging out with a Scallop on Sunday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Thursday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

The number 89 will have special significance on Tuesday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 15. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing yellow. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.


Sunday, June 6, 2021

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 7th June 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Wednesday. It will impress a secret admirer. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. On Saturday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 9, the color orange and someone who has a connection to Paul McCartney will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Eisenhower and Tiger Woods.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. On Saturday, the color purple, the number 8 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.


The Slug July 26th

A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails?


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Ronald Regan, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. When you and a Limpet get together on Wednesday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Friday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.


Monday, May 31, 2021

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 31st May 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Tuesday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Peter Jennings in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. If you see anybody this week who looks like Herman Cain, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.


The Slug July 26th

There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Get the guys or girls around your place on Monday for a lurve fest.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. On Friday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Avoid the number 68 if possible on Saturday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Monday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A black car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Friday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.