Sunday, August 20, 2017

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 21st August 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Tuesday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. A man connected with the number 8 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. On Friday night you will dream of being Sigourney Weaver. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug July 26th
Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Friday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Saturday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 14th August 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A pink car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Wednesday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. If you make an appointment on Saturday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. On Friday night you will dream of being Colin L. Powell. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug July 26th
The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. The number 33 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Pelé, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! On Monday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Why will the color pink be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Monday. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Alfred Hitchcock a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.

Sunday, August 6, 2017

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 7th August 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Should you wear white on Sunday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Monday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Something involving the color blue will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Gandhi driving a red car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th
Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails? Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Wednesday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. On Saturday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Sunday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.