Sunday, January 29, 2017

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 30th January 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Sunday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Tuesday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet William James and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Tuesday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th
Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
The number 13 will have special significance on Monday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Wednesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.

Sunday, January 22, 2017

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 23rd January 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Friday who looks at all like Willey Mays, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like James Taylor. Does this matter? Only time will tell. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th
You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A man connected with the number 39 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. On Tuesday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Meryl Streep at all.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Saturday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Avoid the number 52 if possible on Saturday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.

Sunday, January 15, 2017

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 16th January 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Sometimes it is good to try something new. Sunday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 62 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Tuesday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th
There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. You have dandruff, do something about it! Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Friday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Monday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Tuesday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

Monday, January 9, 2017

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 9th January 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Saturday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Friday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Thursday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. On Sunday, the color orange, the number 26 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th
Hanging out with a Scallop on Saturday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. You will go to an auction on Thursday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Fred Astaire, Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A pretty young woman connected to the number 74 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 65, the color white and someone who has a connection to Margaret Thatcher will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. On Thursday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like C. S. Lewis, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Monday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like C. G. Jung. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Sunday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.

Sunday, January 1, 2017

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 2nd January 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like John Travolta will shower you with unusual gifts on Thursday. This will only happen though if you are wearing black There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th
Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Tuesday. It will impress a secret admirer. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Saturday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A man connected with the number 29 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.