Sunday, September 22, 2013

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 23rd September 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 77 feet, but no more than a mile. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 21, the color black and someone who has a connection to Mitt Romney will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. A man connected with the number 0 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Get out and enjoy life on Thursday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Saturday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Monday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.


The Slug July 26th

Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Helen Keller then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Weird Al Yankovick at all.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Saturday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Friday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

If you make an appointment on Sunday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.


Sunday, September 15, 2013

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 16th September 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A man connected with the number 20 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Friday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A purple car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Sunday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. If you make an appointment on Wednesday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Monday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Sunday. It will impress a secret admirer. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Hook up with an Octopus on Tuesday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. On Monday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.


The Slug July 26th

One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. On Wednesday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Saturday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color black. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Wednesday. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.


Sunday, September 8, 2013

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 9th September 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

In a parallel universe you were born as William Shakespeare. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Steve Martin, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Tuesday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A man connected with the number 78 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Jane Austen and Tiger Woods.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Hook up with an Octopus on Thursday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Something involving the color green will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Wednesday night get-together.


The Slug July 26th

One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. You have dandruff, do something about it! Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. On Wednesday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A red car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Tuesday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Try relaxing on Monday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.


Sunday, September 1, 2013

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 2nd September 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Sigmund Freud and Tiger Woods.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Bob Newhart in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Wednesday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If you wear too much make-up on Thursday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Monday.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Sunday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.


The Slug July 26th

You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Something involving the color green will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. On Sunday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Chevy Chase driving a blue car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Friday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.