Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 27th January 2025

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Avoid the number 53 if possible on Sunday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Friday. It will impress a secret admirer. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Alexander Graham Bell and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 39, the color orange and someone who has a connection to Charlie Brown will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Saturday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Hook up with an Octopus on Sunday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th

You will go to an auction on Saturday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Take extra special care on Wednesday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. On Sunday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 20th January 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Tuesday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Thursday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Something about the number 26 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Thursday will keep your mind occupied. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.

The Slug July 26th

You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly. Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. A pretty young woman connected to the number 1 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Saturday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. On Monday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color white. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Saturday. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 13th January 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th

It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Look yourself in the mirror on Monday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Lucille Ball, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing red. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 6th January 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Monday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Hank Aaron, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th

You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails? Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Something involving the color orange will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Get the guys or girls around your place on Sunday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Friday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Thursday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.