Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 16th February 2026

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Don't leave your house on Wednesday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. A man connected with the number 93 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. You are not Arthur Ashe, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Rick Perry driving a yellow car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Saturday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th

There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Get the guys or girls around your place on Sunday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 97 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

The color orange will be very important to you this week. Especially on Tuesday, and when connected to the number 21, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing orange. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 46. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 9th February 2026

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

The number 49 will be a powerful omen for you this Friday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Saturday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th

This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. You will go to an auction on Monday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 47 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Get the guys or girls around your place on Wednesday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Thursday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Thursday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. If you wear too much make-up on Sunday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Eddie Murphy a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 2nd February 2026

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Monday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 79 feet, but no more than a mile. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

On Friday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Beethoven, Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.

The Slug July 26th

On Friday, the number 5 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Something about the number 54 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Sunday will keep your mind occupied. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Monday. It will impress a secret admirer. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. The color green will be very important to you this week. Especially on Saturday, and when connected to the number 70, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.