Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 26h January 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Wednesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. This is certainly a week where if you see a slug, then you should given them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. You know a squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of clam-support.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. If a barnacle, oyster, or mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug
July 26th

Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. If you stayed in bed *all* week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Monday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. When you and a Limpet get together on Monday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 19th January 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. This is certainly a week where if you see a slug, then you should given them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Hook up with an octopus on Saturday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug
July 26th

The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. This is a good time to hook up with an Octopus. With your fondness of small, shiny things, and their enveloping tentacles...you could have a great life together.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Your future is looking particularly rosy at the moment. This is in part due to the affections of a certain Oyster that you know. On the one hand they are adorable, on the other hand they are very messy. It's a tough call but maybe you should just go ahead and get married.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th January 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 85 feet, but no more than a mile. Beware an advance from a limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Friday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. If you see a barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Tuesday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Thursday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug
July 26th

In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. A man connected with the number 61 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Take extra special care on Wednesday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Tuesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? A clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Friday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

The number 52 will have special significance on Saturday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 5th January 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. On Saturday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug
July 26th

You will go to an auction on Saturday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Saturday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. On Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. When you and a Limpet get together on Sunday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.