Sunday, January 25, 2009

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 26h January 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Wednesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. This is certainly a week where if you see a slug, then you should given them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. You know a squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of clam-support.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. If a barnacle, oyster, or mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug
July 26th

Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. If you stayed in bed *all* week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Monday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. When you and a Limpet get together on Monday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

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