Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 23rd February 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Friday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. On Wednesday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Get out and enjoy life on Saturday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. If a barnacle, oyster, or mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug
July 26th

This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Monday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Beware, clams are plotting against you!

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 16th February 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

A man connected with the number 7 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? On Saturday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. You will bump into a Mussel on Monday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Tell someone that they look great...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug
July 26th

You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably. Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Sunday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must *never* buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Monday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Monday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th February 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Avoid the number 56 if possible on Tuesday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Don't leave your house on Thursday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

The number 45 will be a powerful omen for you this Friday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug
July 26th

This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

A man connected with the number 8 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Sunday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Wednesday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 1st February 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. You may want to keep a fellow clam close to your side on Tuesday.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Remember, your lips are sealed.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. A man connected with the number 54 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. You might know of a slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug
July 26th

Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Monday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarterpounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. On Saturday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. When you and a Limpet get together on Tuesday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Try relaxing on Tuesday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.