Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 23rd February 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Friday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. On Wednesday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Get out and enjoy life on Saturday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. If a barnacle, oyster, or mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug
July 26th

This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Monday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Beware, clams are plotting against you!

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.