Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 31st August 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

If you wear too much make-up on Wednesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. A man connected with the number 15 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. If you see a barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Sunday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Get out and enjoy life on Wednesday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug
July 26th

This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out!

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of clams. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Try relaxing on Sunday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 24th August 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Beware an advance from a limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Sunday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug
July 26th

There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly. You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you. Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Wednesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Get the guys or girls around your place on Friday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 41 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Wednesday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 17th August 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color black. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Sunday. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug
July 26th

You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no. In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Avoid the kung po chicken.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. When you and a Limpet get together on Saturday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th August 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. On Tuesday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Avoid the number 95 if possible on Monday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug
July 26th

Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. On Saturday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. The number 94 will have special significance on Sunday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Wednesday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 3rd August 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

If you make an appointment on Saturday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. On Tuesday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Sometimes it is good to try something new. Monday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Wednesday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Get out and enjoy life on Saturday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug
July 26th

The number 39 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. If you stayed in bed *all* week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Get the guys or girls around your place on Monday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Thursday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Go easy on the chili sauce this weak.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Sunday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.