Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 26th October 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Sunday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

A man connected with the number 11 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug
July 26th

You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. A man connected with the number 43 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Thursday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color pink. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Friday. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Saturday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. A white car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Saturday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.