Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 9th January, 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Friday this week. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Lewis Carrol, Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. You will bump into a Mussel on Saturday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Hook up with an Octopus on Tuesday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though, that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th
Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Take extra special care on Tuesday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The
Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Sunday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Lucille Ball a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.