The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
In a parallel universe you were born as Vincent Van Gogh. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Sunday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.
The Slug
July 26th
It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no. The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant.
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Thursday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Monday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 20th February 2012
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Wednesday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 55. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Thursday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.
The Slug July 26th
In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails? Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Oprah Winfrey, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Saturday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.
Wednesday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 55. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Thursday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.
The Slug July 26th
In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails? Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Oprah Winfrey, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Saturday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 13th February 2012
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Saturday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. On Thursday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.
The Slug July 26th
On Thursday, the number 54 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Tuesday. It will impress a secret admirer. A man connected with the number 47 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The color green will be very important to you this week. Especially on Saturday, and when connected to the number 29, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. When you and a Limpet get together on Thursday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.
Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Saturday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. On Thursday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.
The Slug July 26th
On Thursday, the number 54 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Tuesday. It will impress a secret admirer. A man connected with the number 47 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The color green will be very important to you this week. Especially on Saturday, and when connected to the number 29, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. When you and a Limpet get together on Thursday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 6th February 2012
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. On Saturday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A pretty young woman connected to the number 33 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Monday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Get out and enjoy life on Saturday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Friday. It will impress a secret admirer. Wednesday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.
The Slug July 26th
You will go to an auction on Saturday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Don't leave your house on Sunday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 15 feet, but no more than a mile. On Thursday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.
Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. On Saturday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A pretty young woman connected to the number 33 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Monday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Get out and enjoy life on Saturday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Friday. It will impress a secret admirer. Wednesday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.
The Slug July 26th
You will go to an auction on Saturday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Don't leave your house on Sunday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 15 feet, but no more than a mile. On Thursday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.
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