Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 28th May 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as General Norman Schwarzkopf and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Saturday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th

You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. You have dandruff, do something about it! Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If you make an appointment on Monday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Sunday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. On Saturday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing green. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Should you wear pink on Monday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 21st May 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Louis Pasteur, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Tuesday who looks at all like Augustus Caesar, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! You will bump into a Mussel on Sunday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th
With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. On Thursday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Thursday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 14th May 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Tuesday.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Why will the color purple be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Monday. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Friday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug July 26th
Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Julia Roberts driving a blue car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Try relaxing on Friday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 7th May 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Get out and enjoy life on Wednesday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Lewis Carrol in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. The number 92 will be a powerful omen for you this Monday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th
Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Something involving the color red will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Sometimes it is good to try something new. Saturday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.