Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 21st May 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Louis Pasteur, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Tuesday who looks at all like Augustus Caesar, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! You will bump into a Mussel on Sunday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th
With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. On Thursday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Thursday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.