Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 74, the color blue and someone who has a connection to William James will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Sunday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Sunday this week. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you see anybody this week who looks like Clint Eastwood, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Tuesday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.
The Slug July 26th
The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. On Friday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.
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