Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 27th August 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Saturday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Darth Vader. Does this matter? Only time will tell. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A man connected with the number 59 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Something about the number 93 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Thursday will keep your mind occupied. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.

The Slug July 26th

It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no. In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Get the guys or girls around your place on Tuesday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Wednesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 5 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 20th August 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Thursday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Something about the number 70 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Monday will keep your mind occupied. A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Thursday this week. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Elvis Presley. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Saturday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Sunday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug July 26th

You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A black car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Sunday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. A pretty young woman connected to the number 75 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 13th August 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Tuesday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. You will bump into a Mussel on Sunday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Billy Crystal. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Get out and enjoy life on Saturday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

The number 50 will be a powerful omen for you this Thursday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th

You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Why will the color orange be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Thursday. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Monday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Wednesday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 6th August 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Leonardo Da Vinci will shower you with unusual gifts on Saturday. This will only happen though if you are wearing blue Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Monday who looks at all like George Clooney, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color orange. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Saturday. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th

Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails?

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Saturday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.