Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 13th August 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Tuesday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. You will bump into a Mussel on Sunday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Billy Crystal. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Get out and enjoy life on Saturday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

The number 50 will be a powerful omen for you this Thursday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th

You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Why will the color orange be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Thursday. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Monday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Wednesday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.