Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 29th October 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 17, the color blue and someone who has a connection to Margaret Thatcher will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Wednesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A man connected with the number 72 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. On Sunday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Sunday. It will impress a secret admirer. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like George Carlin will shower you with unusual gifts on Wednesday. This will only happen though if you are wearing black You are not Marilyn Vos Savant, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug July 26th

On Tuesday, the number 58 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Something about the number 25 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Saturday will keep your mind occupied. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. On Wednesday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Sunday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Dan Rather a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22nd October 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 62, the color pink and someone who has a connection to Thomas Jefferson will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. On Friday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Saturday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Robin Williams driving a orange car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th

Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Dick Van Dyke then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Saturday. It will impress a secret admirer. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Saturday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th October 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Why will the color red be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Tuesday. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Monday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If you see anybody this week who looks like Miley Cyrus, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Lucille Ball driving a red car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th

Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Monday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Friday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th October 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 27 feet, but no more than a mile. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Tuesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Friday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. A pretty young woman connected to the number 18 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Tuesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Louis Pasteur in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Monday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th

Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Tuesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

The color yellow will be very important to you this week. Especially on Wednesday, and when connected to the number 83, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Wednesday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.